| dateline |
headline |
|
| June 16,
2004 |
Microsoft
Announces Handguns with Web Access |
 |
| June 24,
2004 |
New Soap
for Cleaning Soap |
|
| March
4, 2005 |
Headless
Reporter Continues Work |
 |
| March
6, 2006 |
Wireless
Designer Labels Help Chic Shoppers Show Off |
|
| September
17, 2006 |
Diesel-Powered
Artificial Heart Packs Punch |
 |
| September
21, 2006 |
Wal-Mart
Offers In-Store Futures Trading |
|
| October
3, 2006 |
New Camera
Offers Product Placement in Snapshots |
|
| October
8, 2006 |
Court
Protects 'Attention Rights' of Media Companies |
 |
| March
22, 2008 |
Group
Opposes Vouchers for Police, Fire Services |
|
| November
18, 2009 |
Wal-mart
Tags Shoppers with Subcutaneous Cookies |
|
| February
8, 2011 |
New MS
Word Feature Checks Files for Copyright Infringement |
|
| February
14, 2012 |
Sperm
Warfare 'Realistic Threat,' Study Concludes |
|
| April
4, 2012 |
Tyson
Markets Organic, Free-range Surrogates |
|
| September
1, 2013 |
Packaging
Sales Surpass Album Sales, Sony Reports |
|
| December
13, 2013 |
New Free
Toilet Paper with Banner Ads |
|
| April
6, 2014 |
LVMH,
Prada to Replace Luxury Goods with Warrants |
|
| September
18, 2014 |
Austrian
Team Splits 'Ding-An-Sich' |
|
| October
31, 2014 |
'Mouth-in-Mouth'
Disease Decimates House, Senate |
|
| February
8, 2016 |
Actor's
Death Linked to Interactive Sitcom Sweatshop |
|
| February
11, 2016 |
Nanotubetops
Enable XXXFL |
|
| March
16, 2016 |
Intelligent
Trusts Infest Indianapolis |
|
| September
2, 2016 |
NASD to
Open Attention Exchange |
|
| July 19,
2017 |
Surplus
Prisoners to Fill California Teacher Shortage |
|
| March
11, 2020 |
Wal-Mart
Opens First 'All You Can Live' Township |
|
| August
16, 2020 |
Rupert
Murdoch Lobotomized in 'Iron Surgeon' Mishap |
|
| April
16, 2023 |
Biosecurities
Asphyxiate Famed Financier |
|
| May 18,
2023 |
Maryland
Startup Sequences English Language |
|
| November
2, 2027 |
Mnemonic
Plague Aerosoluable, Easily Weaponized |
|
| November
3, 2027 |
U.S. Citizenship,
Now with Free Chicken |
|
| December
18, 2027 |
Eisner
Pummeled by Disney's Frozen Head |
|
| August
24, 2031 |
American
Medical Association Recommends Warning Tattoos for Children |
|
| May 8,
2032 |
FCC to
Auction Definite, Indefinite Articles |
|
| July 4,
2033 |
Fact-Checking
Servers to Reduce Libel Risk |
|
| June 4,
2037 |
Mosquito-Repelling
Genes Now Available Over-the-Counter |
|
| February
1, 2039 |
Linguists
Decipher Warning Message in Genome |
|
| June 14,
2040 |
Amazon.com
to Run for Washington Senate Seat |
|
| March
8, 2041 |
Unmanned
Aerial President Crashes on Korean Peninsula |
|
| November
13, 2041 |
Ted Turner
Vanishes in Quantum Superposition Accident |
|
| March
16, 2042 |
Spam Stalks
Steve Case, Attacks |
|
| April
18, 2042 |
Nanominers
Freed From Collapsed Artery |
|
| December
12, 2042 |
Embryos,
Stem Cells Vote Bush in Record Numbers |
|
| January
2, 2045 |
Crime Does
Pay: GDP Revised to Include Property Crime |
|
| April
12, 2045 |
Martha
Stewart Mauled by Dust Bunnies |
|
| May 3,
2045 |
Celera
Issues Recall of 'Diet' Gene |
|
| May 8,
2045 |
Apple
Announces New Pink PiggyMac |
|
| September
11, 2045 |
Syringe
Found in Egg, ADM Disclaims Responsibility |
|
| November
3, 2045 |
Julia
Robertz' Bowel Obstructed by Reusable Kraft Single |
|
| June 3,
2046 |
Nanocelebrities
Dance on Head of Pin |
|
| January
14, 2047 |
Engineered
Corn Communicates, Crunches Numbers |
|
| February
3, 2047 |
U.S. Federal
Government to Move Offshore |
|
| February
8, 2047 |
Amphibious
Whale Trailers Survive Tornadoes, Floods |
|
| July 6,
2048 |
Foundry
Flaw Fells Jackzon Five |
|
| December
14, 2050 |
Consumer
Capitalism Defective, U.S. Issues Recall |
|
| March
4, 2051 |
Transgenic
Weeds Help Hackers Poach Corn Computing Cycles |
|
| June 3,
2052 |
Rebel
Corporations Storm Gaza, West Bank |
|
| February
23, 2056 |
Home-Jailing
More Popular than Home-Schooling |
|
| July 4,
2058 |
Japanese
Royal Family Escapes from Habitat, Search Continues |
|
| August
19, 2058 |
Researchers
Seek Treatment for Mad Soybean Disease |
|
| June 7,
2059 |
U.S. a
Monopoly, Breakup Decreed |
|
| August
23, 2060 |
Exercising
Athletes Undermine Drug Olympics |
|
| May 28,
2063 |
New Clothing
Line to Help Publicly-Held Individuals |
|
| May 8,
2064 |
NYSE Officials
Plan Animal Sacrifice on Exchange Floor |
|
| August
31, 2064 |
Ad Pox
Cured by Branded Products |
|
| August
28, 2065 |
Crack
Team Hunts 'Zombie' Corporations |
|
| July 13,
2067 |
McDonald's
New 'Surplus Value Menu' Pays You To Eat |
|
| December
6, 2067 |
Anna Kournikova
Deleted by Memeright Trusted System |
|
| March
3, 2071 |
Coca-Cola
Achieves Consciousness, Declares Independence |
|
| December
18, 2071 |
Cuba Buys
Disney, Announces Redevelopment Plans |
|
| February
18, 2072 |
Lay an
Egg, Grow an Organ |
|
| April
23, 2072 |
Aniston,
Pitt Anonymized, Keys Lost |
|
| December
6, 2072 |
Sir Robert
Downey Jr. Chokes on Viral Sushi, Dies |
|
| December
8, 2072 |
Brand
Dyslexia Declared 'Epidemic' |
|
| May 1,
2074 |
The Caddy
That Zips |
|
| October
8, 2075 |
Oprah
Enters Public Domain, Fans Mourn |
|
| January
13, 2081 |
Bush II
Never President, Historians Conclude |
|
| May 19,
2081 |
Toy Uterus
Lets Kids Give Birth |
|
| June 16,
2082 |
Tom Cruize
Kills Himselves, Police Charge |
|
| September
21, 2084 |
Money
a Waste, Economists Conclude |
|
| June 23,
2085 |
Jordan's
Feet Can Be Your Shoes |
|
| April
11, 2088 |
Toddler's
Conviction Upheld, Execution Looms |
|
| February
6, 2098 |
Human Jerky:
Taboo-Busting Snack Defines Breakthrough Market |
|
| January
2, 2100 |
Emeralds
Are Grue, Sky Is Bleen |
|
| August
3, 2101 |
Gates
Suffers General Protection Fault |
|
| September
16, 2103 |
MIT Scientist
Discovers 'Anti-Money' |
|
| July 23,
2104 |
Coming
to a Stain Near You: Ads! |
|
| August
18, 2106 |
Scientists
Discover, Isolate Limited Liability Person |
|
| October
11, 2108 |
Ellen
Greenzpan Crushed by Falling Market |
|
| March
11, 2118 |
Scientists
Discover Super-Dense Corporate Cluster |
|
| February
11, 2119 |
People
Sprout Squirrels, Flies |
|
| October
1, 2132 |
Hibernating
Actor Uncovered on Antiques Roadshow |
|
| March
7, 2151 |
An Ecosystem
of Your Very Own |
|
| December
1, 2151 |
Larry
Ellison Sinks Off New Zealand Coast |
|
| October
16, 2152 |
Miniature
People Big Holiday Seller |
|
| October
21, 2157 |
FeedBank
Launches Inter-Temporal Intra-Personal Banking Portal |
|
| October
9, 2162 |
At Last,
Kids You Can Be Proud Of, Guaranteed |
|
| December
8, 2162 |
Earth a
Franchise, Astrophysicists Discover |
|
| October
21, 2188 |
Strom Thurmond
Cannot Die: Immortality a Reality |
|
| April
23, 2202 |
Suicide
Artist Fakes Death, Defrauds Patrons |
|
|
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