Narcissism Book of Quotes2 - v. 1

A SELECTION OF QUOTES FROM THE COLLECTIVE WISDOM OF OVER 12,000 INDIVIDUAL DISCUSSIONS

Oh, What a Tangled Web They Weave Lies, Lies and More Lies

"I lie. Compulsively and needlessly. All the time. About everything. And I often contradict myself. Why do I need to do this? To make myself interesting or attractive. In other words, to secure narcissistic supply (attention, admiration, adulation, gossip)."

Article: Pseudologica Fantastica by Dr. Sam Vaknin http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/npd/63886

"They tell lies, even when there is no need to tell a lie. But telling the lie makes the game more interesting, for them, but leaves others in a state of confusion. Since they do this all the time and seldom tell the truth, that makes them pathological liars. With many years of practise, they become very convincing liars."

"They are very good at what they do and fool a lot of people, for a long time. Asking the question does not mean you will hear a truthful answer. Eventually, the truth comes out, because they get tangled up in their own webs of deceit."

"My ex-husband used to tell HUGE lies about me. Lies that always made ME look bad and HIM look like a martyr (when the opposite was true). I didn't realize this until AFTER we separated and, Boy, was it devastating! I thought that I knew ALL the horrors, to find out there were even more… I didn't think I could take the pain!"

"An N also puts themselves into a 'zone' and their pupils dilate when they tell a lie, or they look away, to say the words."

"The lies, the flirting, the lies, the comparing, the lies, the ambivalence, the lies, the belittling, the lies, the teasing, the lies, the built up promises, the lies, the setting up for disappointment. Did I mention the lies?"

"They may spread lies about you, but in the long run, the truth will prevail. Others will figure out that what the N says, has no basis, in fact. So carry on, by moving toward something which is a lot healthier, for you. Take it as a very expensive learning experience."

"When I think back, every time he opened his mouth - another lie tripped off his tongue - but the sad thing was, he truly believed what he was saying."

"She used to lie and cheat all the time years ago. How is it that I managed to end up with another liar and cheater? My recent ex g/f told me recently that she can flick her feelings off and on, and that she feels empty inside. I had no idea that she would come home one day and just flick her feelings off for me… How could I have missed this one? Stunned again."

"N would lie when the truth would save his neck."

"My ex-N would look me straight in the eyes and lie his ass off. I knew he was lying, and he knew I knew he was lying, but he would do it anyway."

"Before he left, I said: 'I want my self back! I should have followed my original instinct.' He said: 'You just cancelled out the last 4 years.' I said: 'No, your lies, omissions of the truth, lack of character, integrity, responsibility, empty promises, cancelled out the last 4 years.'"

"My ex-undiagnosed-female-N lied every time she opened her mouth. As time goes on, and I slowly verify some of the information, I have found that she has lied to me twice, and admitted it once. She said she was just joking (that's what a narcissistic psychopath does when caught, they just reframe it as a joke or whatever). What some of these liars do is throw a lot a truth in too, so if you check out a few things, and find it is true, then you think, well, everything is true. That's exactly what they are hoping for. For me it is hard to imagine the amount of lying that went on, the deceptions, the spin, the manipulation."

"When I would confront him about lying he would begin to laugh. He was truly evil."

"Do Ns know what they're doing when they're projecting? Probably not, but I think if it can be pointed out to them with proof, perhaps they can begin to understand the lies in their own thinking. Then we have to deal with the fact that even knowing what they're doing, and how unfair and hurtful it is to us, they may not care… due to their lack of compassion for anyone else, and because they are emotional sadists."

Reclaiming Sanity:Understanding, Coping, Boundaries

"'There MUST be something good and worthy under the hideous façade.'

'NO ONE can be that evil and destructive.'

'He must have meant it differently.'

This is magical thinking. Gullibility, selective blindness, malignant optimism - these are the weapons of the beast. And the abused are hard at work to provide it with its arsenal."

Article: The Malignant Optimism of the Abused by Dr. Sam Vaknin http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/npd/68862

"Of course he wants you to believe that his reason for leaving is YOUR FAULT… this is all part of the disorder right. Don't buy into this. Be real with yourself… and your memories. You know deep down that you tried your best with this disordered person… but it was a NO WIN situation. Always keep real with yourself and what you have learned about the disorder… don't let your mind play head games with you."

"Realization of what he really is will take time to soak in… but you will feel better in time. Think back on a time in your life where you were completely shattered about something and thought that you would never recover… AND YOU DID. Just as you will with this. Please reach out to us anytime… this place, these kind, understanding people helped me every step of the way."

"When you find yourself romanticizing him, read Sam Vaknin's FAQs. They will keep you grounded. And when you feel like venting, or raging post here!"

"Please give up trying to figure out why he says what he says… does what he does. It's truly a pointless pursuit and it offers little comfort in the end."

"The hardest thing is saying to yourself: 'I cannot go back THERE… so I must move forward.' Maybe it was familiarity that kept us there… but fear is my biggest hang-up. Fear of the unknown! I guess we traded a few moments of happiness with them when actually it was hell on earth!"

"She actually never had emotions for me nor does she harbour guilt over what she's done. I mean, I just can't fathom that. She said so many beautiful things to me! The reality that all that may have been a crock, is overwhelmingly inconceivable."

"It's hard not to think what they're doing now and who they're doing it with. I have to stop myself and remind myself if I were with him right now he would be making me clinch with some nasty negative remark or subtly insulting me or something that made my gut draw up!"

"When I'm tempted to respond to him, as I am now, I read here and post here. It's a good reality check. We can so easily forget the harm they do."

"It was then I realized I was still hanging on… like I was addicted to the N. I want to be free and away from it all. I want my mind to be free of the N infection."

"This reconciliation between the N and myself was short-lived. His true colours emerged, once again. But being able to document my every-day experience with him helped me to make the final decision to move on. I know that I'm far from recovering, and who knows I may make that mistake by N-dipping one more time, but if my experiences serve to help anyone else on this board, then I feel like I have at least accomplished something."

"I'm learning to take things one day at a time. If I N-dip, I just get back up, dust myself off and try again."

"I wanted to talk to ex-N so much today. Yet the desire to N-dip made me very anxious. It's as though my need for him, for someone so very bad for me, is finally becoming ego-dystonic. The urge to be with him creates strong inner dissonance because I know if I contact him it's emotional suicide. Still, I am in so much pain. I can hardly work. My job seems overwhelming."

"People on the site call it 'N-Dipping'. It is like fighting an addiction. So, if you are tempted to slide, it's entirely understandable. At one time you felt great love and passion for this man, and there is some part of you that WISHES he wasn't what you know him to be, WISHES it wasn't all true, that it didn't happen the way it did, and that you could GET BACK that guy you thought he was. I was always tempted to think maybe this is some sort of aberration, something going on in his life, stress, mental illness, and that the OTHER GUY, the one I fell in love with was the REAL HIM. I hated having to finally face the fact that I fell in love with a Jekyll and Hyde facade. It absolutely sucks."

"N-dipping is not sinful it just doesn't go anywhere… except as NS. It is also very painful to let go of all the hopes and dreams. I'm glad you have reached out here… as support is absolutely a necessary part of your (and our) recovery."

"For what it's worth, I did my N-dipping BEFORE I even knew what NPD was. I had a death wish for many years because I was in so much emotional pain. I lived like that for about 20 years. I got to the point where I could hardly function at all. Everything I did, was by rote. Now that I have the information about NPD, it is much easier to stay away from my N husband, emotionally. I still have times when I get depressed and unsure about everything, but those times are less and less."

"They just don't change and the games become more cruel. The devaluation becomes worse and more painful every time we go back. That's why I think some people think N-dipping is healing in a way, because you see the patterns repeating themselves. It won't be too long before you are able to detach from him emotionally and one day you will look at his antics and thank God you are no longer one of his victims."

"You can be certain that the winner in the end will be you, with your mind and soul intact. You have pinpointed the heart of the matter. You can love, will always be able to love. He can't, and never will. He is an emotional cripple who cannot even love himself. You will move forward in life, but he will remain, always, in the shadow-lands of his disorder."

"Then you get to the point where you could give a rat's ass about what other people think about you, because you know you're fine, just fine!"

"I am so lucky that I have absolutely no sentiment towards my ex-N left. The only emotion I have is fear and justifiably so."

"My pain over ex-N has been replaced with disdain. I hope this feeling hangs on. I never thought it would even come. After 30 years of being together, I thought that was all there was for me. Life is so much better now. All I needed was a little distance so I could get some perspective."

"The thing with us is we see good in other people and dismiss the bad. Like you I always go out of my way to help people and I get used… 'sucker' on my forehead is a good way of saying it. I am a magnet for these people."

"I don't mind feeling depressed, I know this is somehow necessary before the healing. But it feels like my life is going up and down from day to day. I feel so helpless in the a.m. and so determined hours later only to feel exhausted by the next day."

"No one ever builds true happiness at the expense of someone else."

"It's a multi-layered illness to be in a relationship with an N. In recovery the first detachment is letting go of the N and the next is letting go of one's mirage-like illusions about the N, and the next is healing one's own relationship with one's true self, and the next is learning to connect in a healthy way with others who can share a MUTUAL relationship…"

"It is difficult and sad for mothers to deal with a non-loving child, whether the child has a personality disorder or not. But if they are NPD and we find out more about this disorder, it is natural to wonder, 'what part did I play in this?'"

"I'm alone, but not lonely. I'm not elated, but I'm not sad - I'm not mad but I am disappointed… but it's my time to learn, we never learn anything when the road is smooth. We learn survival when we are taxed, and the road is lumpy. RIGHT?"

"Extreme highs and lows (which is what life in the shadow of the N is about) are not healthy. Such extremes are exhausting, as you second-guess what is going to be the next high or low. And, the lows sure do get lower, and the rages increase, and the devaluation sets in like a rot."

"As per the men, I don't get close to them as of yet, even though I crave the affection I lacked for four years. I would like to be touched and loved but even thinking about doing such with a normal man seems unreal. I think to myself 'what if I can't enjoy his closeness?' and 'what if I won't feel anything?' These are the thoughts I have."

"At the time I thought I'd never be strong again, but in retrospect I would have to say it as better to have loved and LEARNED than to have not loved at all. Because now I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will never allow anyone to treat me that way again."

"Remember, no matter what's going on in your life, it's YOUR responsibility to choose how you will respond. It doesn't mean you won't hurt or be angry. It doesn't mean you should ignore what you're feeling either. Not being a victim and taking responsibility means feel the pain, acknowledge the shock, be mad, pissed off, etc., while looking for the LESSON. Keep on going in a way that honours you and who you really are."

"And, of course, after all the words from him telling me how much he didn't want me around any more, how he needed a change etc., he wouldn't leave or start the proceedings. I had to do all that. Part of his illogical 'rules'. Mostly, I don't believe he thought I would ever go."

"Leaving finally took every bit of strength I had left, especially when I find myself with very little money and starting a career at a time when I should be having the time of my life. I looked forward to this part of my life for a long time! Silly of me. I really should have known better."

"If more people had 1/100 the compassion, insight, and decency of people on this board (or if Ns had 1/100 the compassion, insight, and decency of most people), this world would be so much better."

"Trying to apply normal human qualities to an N is impossible. He's like a 5 year-old who got a new toy. Does he care anything about the old one? Of course not. You not only have the hurt of getting dumped by the N, but the realization that he is an N. That's a double whammy in anybody's book."

"If you were given a textbook on Ns and told to study them, with no knowledge of the actual person you would have one heck of a time trying to figure them out. Getting stung by one and then trying to figure yourself and them out too is where we're all at here. Go ahead, cry anywhere, anytime. I could hug you because you have normal emotions."

"I've lived with mine for 37 years. I'm in the process of breaking away and getting a divorce. But, believe me, he has done serious emotional damage to me. I too, am in therapy and currently exploring the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder concerning myself. You ended up staying in this mess because you thought that somehow you could make it better… but there is no better. When we finally come to THAT realization is when we start picking up the pieces of ourselves to get on with life."

"Reading Sam Vaknin's FAQs is like a roadmap of my experiences with N parents. It serves as constant reminders to us that the Ns have the problem!"

"…in every tear is a seed of healing."

"Today I did two things for myself. The first was to have lunch with a girlfriend. It was very uplifting. I kept thinking that I was glad I was no longer with N. The second was to spend two hours out at the river. It was wonderful."

"He was like a ball and chain around my neck. All Ns are. Every day I pray to God to give me strength and help me deal with this. The key is, I don't want it anymore. I really don't. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't truly care for me and love me the way I want and deserve to be. I'm so tired of thinking of him and his supposed emotional barriers and childhood traumas. Yes it's sad, but I shouldn't suffer because of it."

"Many years ago, a marriage counsellor told me that you simply cannot give to others if you aren't getting something back yourself. Those who give you positive feedback help, I know, but they can't be enough. Part of the reason your depression is so severe is that you are giving away more than you are receiving in return. You need to correct that. You need to be sensitive to draining situations and draining people, then you have to avoid them. Yes, you will feel guilty at first, but you will learn to be able see things in ways that are friendlier and more supportive of yourself."

"Remember most people in this world are here to help each other. But you must first come back to this world for others to help you. Just throw yourself out to the real world and leave the Narcissist behind. People will catch you and help you. First you have to know that people in this world are not here to get you – they are with you. You must first help yourself back to this world, to the point where others can start helping you. Remember: 'A loving heart is the truest wisdom.'"

"Some days will seem OK, then others you'll feel lower than low. That's to be expected. Just remember that he's the defective one, not you. It's difficult to digest that a person can be so mean and shallow on the inside when they can 'appear' to be so wonderful on the outside. You're not alone, and you're definitely not to blame for his behaviour. He'll do it to everybody who crosses his path."

"The learning from experience part of life is the hardest, but I believe it means the most. You have learned that people like him don't change themselves inside, just the scenery outside. Very shallow existence indeed."

"It is not unusual to have anxiety and panic attacks in the wake of the N-experience. It is in fact, quite normal, and they can last for many months afterwards."

"Final closure for me is the fact that HE IS WHAT HE IS. The carousel continues to turn for the narcissist but not for me… any longer."

"Another thing that helped me through the post N experience, which I still feel I'm in just further along the path, is to REMEMBER it's the beautiful, wonderful, lovely, top-notch qualities about you that attracted him in the first place."

"Every time I go into this obsessive mess I remind myself of a quote I recently read: 'You know it is real love when a person touches your life in a way (better) that you want to be a better person, and your life will never be the same after they touched yours.' They leave a mark of goodness, kindness, gentleness… (the fruits of the spirit). Does any N do that? NO!!! They touch our lives, but it's with such destruction and torture… it was never love! I believe their mental torture is knowing they had a good person and blew it! Therefore, they move on for new supply. Let it go! It is now someone else's pain and suffering. You deserve better!"

"We need to recognize that we must CELEBRATE our increasing feistiness, our stiffer backbone, our thicker skin, our stronger boundaries, and our ability to lay aside, with lessening amounts of distress and guilt, the desire to fix, to 'be there', for yet another wounded soul. When we understand what healing is all about, when we understand that healing ourselves is the only way to attract healthy personalities, when we understand that healing ourselves is the only way to become attracted to healthy personalities, then we will heal."

"I believe it is possible to forgive, genuinely forgive in one's heart and soul, and yet not put oneself in danger or refuse to hold someone accountable for their actions."

"You know in your heart and that ache in your gut! You just dread taking that step. And yes, he will try to charm you again until he knows he's lost and he'll move on."

"I have learned lots of stuff about myself that I never before had to bother looking at. There IS a reason you are so attached and fell hard for this type. Finding that reason doesn't make the sorrow completely go away, but it does help to make sense of things."

"N boyfriend to distraught girlfriend over his emotional and physical withdrawal: 'You could have everything you wanted if you would just…' The ending always changes arbitrarily so as the girlfriend could never get it right to 'get what she wanted' which was physical and emotional closeness."

"I still get stuck wanting what I can't have, a healthy, loving, honest, open relationship with a person who only mimicked these things and then left me holding the bag."

"I can only say to those with doubts, with ideas of 'fixing it' - just don't. Move away and try to cut your losses. Why sit down to the table again to be dealt another bum hand?"

"Then, fool that I was, tried to become a crusading Pollyanna, armed with books, clinical data, case histories – I valiantly tried to cure him. Sam Vaknin calls it magical thinking and he's so right. I gave up. It's useless and a total waste of my time when I needed to concentrate on getting me better and getting on with my life."

"I have been with my N for 11 years and was completely disillusioned by him. I did everything I could to make things work and tried fixing the unfixable. He exploited me and other women for years. I'm done with him and have decided that I'm going to move forward with my life."

"I don't want to accept that the N can NOT do anything about himself. Our society stinks because of the 'not take responsibility for your actions' mentality. He has admitted knowing he needs help but doesn't WANT to do anything about it."

"To anyone feeling emotional and vulnerable and self-reflective… call a close friend. Visit a loved one you haven't seen in years. Write heart-felt letters to anyone who means anything to you… but don't give in and show remorse or regret over a Narcissist. You'll only leave the encounter still hurting and they'll have their NS-fix for the week."

"One of the signs of the abuse inflicted on you is having fleeting murderous violent horrible thoughts. You are not losing your mind, it is just your natural self-preservation instinct because you are feeling so intensely trapped. You are mentally 'fighting back'. You know deep down inside you are incapable of really doing anything. But the thoughts can be frightening, especially if you have never had them before. A lot of it has to do with the fact that you are so angry that this person has you in such a position."

"I was with my husband for ten years and was completely and utterly devoted to him. Brainwashed, totally. He was my guide, my life and he almost destroyed me. Now when I think of him I feel absolutely nothing, zero. No hate, no pity, not an ounce of love - just nothing. And it's wonderful."

"I felt that emptiness also when I confronted him with the truth of him being personality disordered. Then all you think is… how could I have been so fooled?? Self-reflection is not an easy thing to do. You then have to face all aspects of yourself, shadow and light. Being able to do this is what makes us different."

"I am a firm believer that most women who accept a bad relationship had no voice as a child and suffered emotional and sometimes physical abuse. I know I did."

"Both of my sons eventually saw their N-dad for what he truly is. I didn't have to tell them or talk to them about their Dad. They figured it out. Now we (my sons and I) are very close and have wonderful times when we are together. N-Dad's name isn't even mentioned between us anymore."

"I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. It's been over a year since this N abandonment-nightmare began and I can't believe I still feel so bad."

"When the 'devaluation' phase began I was totally confused having been in denial for so long about the one-dimensional aspect of our relationship."

"Denial is the way we handle what we cannot handle."

"Is it like your emotions are going up and down like a roller coaster? One minute you miss him so bad you can hardly stand it, the next moment you are furious at him for never loving you the way you loved him."

"In retrospect I see how boring, predictable and exasperating living with the N was. Moody, moody, moody. It was like having an infant. My nine-year-old son was better able to control himself!"

"I am in the process of moving on with my life… enrolled in college and also looking forward to a divorce and the day I will be REALLY free. I didn't come to these decisions easily… I suffered for over 35 years of marriage. The greatest revelation to me has been that my marriage has been a 'figment of MY imagination'. Please don't think that he will ever change. They can't. What they are is their survival mechanism. If it wasn't for the information that I learned here I would probably be looking for a pine box! As I have taken my 'baby steps' in recovery, I find that I have regained my self-esteem. I have realized that I did everything I could to make the marriage work and when it failed, I was not to blame. I am a worthwhile person and so are you. You have suffered enough. PLEASE move on with your life! There is just so much more than life with a self-centred, ego-maniac who cares nothing for anyone except how they can serve them. Stay here and get strong. The fine people who post here have been through it all."

"You will never unlearn what you now know about narcissism. If you go back to the N, you will look at him - and you will know, and this knowledge will come between you."

"I just CAN'T believe that our relationship amounted to nothing to him. I just can't believe it! I can't even begin to understand the mind of someone like him. How could he do this?"

"I'd love to be able to pick up the phone and call him and scream and yell and cry for all of the heartache I went through (and still go through) for him… But I, like you, know that it wouldn't do any good. It's truly heartbreaking to know that someone you loved more than life itself has no way of understanding what it feels like."

"We are de-programming ourselves (at least I hope we are!) and it can only get better. When WE look in the mirror we know who is looking back at us. What does the N see when he looks for the millionth time in his mirror. Best not to dwell too much on what he sees."

"I hate that word co-dependent. Seems like every nice, decent person I even knew is somehow called a co-dependent."

"Take lots of care. Look in other directions. Take your mind to a quiet place. Do something you never did before."

"Don't let your mind be invaded, even by your own negative thoughts/memories, or even by what you might consider memories of the 'good' times. 'Good times' do not exist in N-land."

"To him, trust was just about sex and fidelity and had nothing to do with emotional intimacy. If you push for intimacy with an N, there is no choice for them other than to flee or devalue. There is no love there… they don't know what it means. That's why, I liken it to talking to an alien… they just don't get it."

"Staying with an N, or making contact with an ex-N, is like putting your hands directly on a hot stovetop to warm them. It will "work" for five seconds before it scalds you."

"It's amazing the little details I keep remembering, and how angry they make me… and ultimately how stupid I feel for putting up with it."

"That feeling of not getting it all out with her will fade, and you'll be glad you didn't get it all out with her, because she'd just use the information to somehow abuse you even more either now or in the future."

"Our biggest wish is that someone would be able to find a cure for NPD because it just breaks our hearts to see our partners/friends/husbands/wives with NPD suffer and inflict suffering on the people who love them most. We have no choice but to leave for our own self preservation."

"I have separated myself from him in every way, but he persists in calling, writing, driving by, e-mailing, sending friends to communicate, etc. I want it to stop sooooo… badly but the nightmare continues."

"Of course, he didn't have a clue what I meant. Explaining the notion (that the issues I had with him were all about a lack of emotional intimacy) was just an opportunity to engage in the blame (me) game, word-salad game, pathologize (me) game, spin reality game and lure and slam game, rationalize it all away game, etc… in other words, I had my first brush with the devaluation cycle. Very painful and bewildering."

"Once you are crystal clear in your perception of the Ns true personality, you lose respect for them. Then you can put up with a lot, because you no longer feel the need to take what they say with any seriousness."

"Funny: Sex was not a problem, except if she didn't get enough… and trust me it was never enough."

"You're not crazy. No way. Your anger is your weapon right now. You need to be angry. You have a right to be angry."

"Happiness is the best revenge, because that's something we're capable of but they're not. Get angry, feel the hurt, but please don't act out on revenge. Then you'd just have to feel your own shame for living outside of your own values."

"After sinking into a pit of despair, going into shock one night and shaking so bad I could not stop that shaking, I literally could not stop it. It frightened me. Then, I became angry, I get my strength from anger. The angrier I get, the stronger I get. Here I was driven into mind-numbing terror, pain, confusion. The anger became an almost welcome relief from the pain. How could he treat me that way? I had done nothing but work for our marriage. I was dumped like a bag of trash."

"Maybe it's just good, old-fashioned aversion to pain. None of us like to be hurt, and when we perceive things or situations as hurtful, we tend to avoid them. I used to avoid things too, as a reaction to all the pain I had suffered as a child. Some things should be avoided, and others should be worked through, and the trick for me has been partly learning how to tell the difference."

"What helped me was learning that I don't have to be all things to all people, and learning that I can be myself, and that is good enough for most people."

"I needed real human contact so badly after my experience with my ex-N. I enjoyed such simple things in life as to sit and have a give-and-take conversation, mutual respect, a smile, a touch. All of this without what the narcissist overlays upon social interaction. I was awed by how nice people are, how understanding, and at the same time, many, truly don't understand, yet they were human, and MAN WAS IT GOOD TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH A HUMAN!!!"

"You know that old saying that the opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference. And, sweet woman, you are much bigger and better than he is. Don't stoop down to his level."

"Once you've had some time with zero contact with him you will see how your thinking clears and changes. Read everything here as it really helps and please keep sharing here. You'll find lots of support and comfort. When you are tempted to call him sit down here and read or write until it passes. Vent, vent, vent!"

"Why don't we go? For any combination of reasons. Take a look at the 'you' before or at the time you started going out with the N – and the 'you' later on. Never was anyone less equipped to get out by that stage - your self worth is in the gutter, you feel a failure, a deep sense of being a nothing - the things the N said to you, the insidious drip-feed of negatives, their behaviour that says so much about how little they respect or care for you. Then of course we really do have to face some of the nastiest - the what ifs, the depression, the self hatred (how COULD I have put up with this, how DARE he did this to me without a blink of the eye - what must he have thought of me knowing I allowed him to do these things), the loneliness, sense of failure."

"My ex-N did mood swings on me too. That is, if we were going someplace, he would be fine until in the car. Suddenly, he would be down and out. When I became familiar about N disorder, I would straight up say: 'Hey you think I am going to follow in to YOUR mood you are WRONG! I'm staying happy so there you go big fellow!' Meaning: grow-up. Yea, they do that stuff. It is the other person who has the choice to NOT fall prey to the mood especially if it is a negative mood. Remember, they say the opposite of what is happening. Saying you were playing mind games 'meant' HE WAS!"

"It was only when I finally - after about 3 months - came across Sam Vaknin's site on Suite 101, that I sat in front of the screen, with a dropped jaw, poking a finger at the screen and shouting: 'That's IT – that's it - HIM!'"

"My N just casually said one day: 'Sorry if I seem a bit Narcissistic'… I ran for the computer and found this site. I began reading stories of people just like me. Everything became clear. Up until that point I was going downhill fast. I think I could 'maybe' recognize it quicker now, but you know what they say about being blinded by love… it's true."

"As I was reading the information by Sam Vaknin, I just started crying both out of relief and frustration."

"It is here that I really talked about it. This place has been a solace for me for almost 1 year. I have told no one of this place. It is my little secret place with secret friends that I come to and talk about the hell I have been through… and hopefully help others who are in this hell."

"I stopped contact with the N. I felt stronger again, but very lonely. I posted here often at all times of the day and night, and always received love and support."

"I can come up here onto the forum and share the 'laughing on the outside, crying on the inside' syndrome, and not get judged for feeling like this, which keeps me going. One day, I will laugh on the inside as well - and I'll have all of you, and the fun and tears we share, to thank for that. You are my lifelines. Thanks."

"Discovering Sam Vaknin's website couldn't have come at a better time! I sit here in a stupor having left my narcissist 19 days ago, and I cannot begin to describe these feelings - rage, betrayal, pain, denial, longing, emptiness, angst, jealousy - I'm all over the place with this thing. I feel like the victim of a very mean practical joke."

"The support I have received from everyone here has been what made me turn the corner away from my ex-N. I am amazed at how people who were strangers to me two months ago, and who I would not recognize on the street, have helped me walk through the worst part of it unscathed."

"But as much as we are responsible for our own life we are responsible for society around us."

"Are you willing to draw the line now and say 'no more'? If so, then you have my support and probably the support of everyone else."

"Learn as much as you can as fast as you can, protect yourself financially and emotionally."

"Do not let him get the impression that these calls are rattling you. Be brusque and impolite (nothing else will have any effect) next time he tries this."

"There are worse things than being lonely." (Living with an N)

"I really just need to tell him once and for all: 'I am not interested in speaking with you. My personal life is my business. Please stop calling me.' Say it in an unemotional, matter-of-fact voice. Then STOP talking to him. If he manages to get you on the phone, hang up the INSTANT you realize it's him. He will call and call, but eventually will give up and go away."

"Ask him: 'Hey, who stepped on you today?' You might get him talking about what is really bugging him rather than taking things out on you."

"Before I cut my losses and left my husband I tried valiantly to predict what he would do or say, and speak accordingly. But it didn't matter, whatever I did he would twist it to his own advantage. I agree with what you say about simple, strict language with the N. It seems the best route is as few words as possible with clear meaning. Similar to dealing with a toddler."

"You have a remedy in the courts: it's called PAS, Parental Alienation Syndrome. I believe that Ns practice alienating their victims from each other all the time - it's one of their mainstays. You can prove this and your child can help; when your child understands that your ex has purposely been trying to stop her from loving you - it will free her too. Fortunately, Ns are verbal and document their own crazy antics through e-mail, regular mail, answering machine messages, and their own court papers, your ability to prove PAS won't be difficult; you can use the N's own words against him. Getting counselling for yourself and your child also proves the point; that your ex is causing intentional emotional damage to you and your child. File a PAS lawsuit. That ought to scare the heck out of him and get him off your back. In the meantime keep collecting evidence - his own words and mean-spirited actions."

"Ns love spreading lies and rumours. That's one of the things they do best. When you hear about them, put up your hand, palm outward (the stop-sign position). Tell whoever it is firmly and with a chuckle 'I don't want to hear anything about N'."

"Please do help yourself set some firm boundaries. One thing that helps me is to ask myself 'would I want someone to treat my daughter this way?' More often than not the answer is 'No'. If it's not good enough for her, then it's not good enough for her mother."

"Call him on it. 'No, that's what YOU do, not me.' I've read suggestions that a victim should accuse the N of outrageous things too, it really throws them. And when they rage at you, rage back! They are counting on you NOT doing this. They are counting on you remaining a doormat, they hope you'll keep trying to be understanding, etc., so they can keep wiping their feet on you."

"Circle those dates on your calendar and make plans that can't be changed. Get tickets to a show or concert, commit to help out a friend or organization. Edge him out. Remember, the worst thing you can do to N is ignore him or discount his importance. You are over him, you can even give him a Mona Lisa smile and keep walking."

"Using very simple assertiveness statements works with these folks, however don't expect them to like it. Trying to enlist their co-operation is useless. Only by having very firm boundaries, telling them what your decisions are, and never, ever explaining or defending yourself are you able to maintain any sanity."

"He raged, he yelled, he pouted. I went about my merry way with a slight smile on my face. The more he reacted, the more I kept calm. Now he is bending over backwards to please me. I just keep on smiling and going about my merry way."

"Why not just act uninterested and give him a flat out 'NO' with ABSOLUTELY NO EXPLANATIONS?"

"Indifference is absolutely your best tool in dealing with the N. They HATE indifference. Do not react in any way to anything he says or does. Any reaction, good or bad is supply for them. Any response you get will not be real, merely another attempt at manipulating the situation. Do not let him do that. It's what he wants. Somewhere to place the blame, and to make you feel as bad as possible. He is not 'expecting' any particular reaction. ANY reaction will do for him."

"You are going to have to be stronger than you've ever been to block him… block e-mails, get caller ID. For your mental health and safety you have to do this to get rid of him. He will not give up easily but you know you can't afford to have him in your life. You don't owe him any explanations or even advice about NPD. His denials and excuses will only confuse you more. And you can't help him."

"After the worst of it was over, what I found to be key was to have no contact with him. None. Do not say go to hell. Do not say I love you. Do not, above all, try to sit down and have a dialogue, to reason with him. No response of any kind is the answer."

"Please, please do whatever it takes to avoid the phone. With Narcissism, I suggest procrastination. Tell yourself you'll wait until tomorrow… then tomorrow repeat that same phrase… meaning that you never initiate contact. Put off until 'tomorrow', what you MUST NOT DO TODAY!"

"DON'T ANSWER HIS MESSAGES…

DON'T MAKE CONTACT…

DON'T WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS TIME…

DON'T TOY WITH YOUR FRAGILE EMOTIONS…

No matter how much we want to believe they're not seedy weasels…

WE KNOW THEY ARE! And you know HE is…"

"The boundaries I found most successful are where I don't answer his 'statements presented as questions'. Never fall for his 'yes/no' response type of questions. Never ask an N a question, it's just inviting lies. Never answer a question, either, always respond 'I'll have to think about that' to give yourself time to think about what he's really trying. Whenever he asks his beating-around-the-bush questions I use the tactics of salesmen and just repeat his last 3-4 words back to him, posed as a question. When I don't want him bugging me any more I'll say: 'This is becoming annoying N.' With any luck you'll have him walking on eggshells."

"Be fully self reliant and responsible so you never, ever have to ask him for anything. When you do say NO, the ABSOLUTE WORST thing you can do is to change your mind. Practice, practice, practice your boundary statement until you can pull it off without batting an eye. Oh, and try chuckling at his words. The humiliation alone can often cause them to disappear like a vampire at sunrise."

"I said No effectively. All I got was the infamous N rage every time I put my foot down. It is no way to live. You cannot reason with the N because they refuse to have any type of normal conversation. A relationship is supposed to be a reasonably fluid journey, not a situation where you are in 'shields up' mode all the time, and where you have to become the manipulative one. Not healthy at all. The only possible N relationship is NO N-relationship. Despite having no financial security, not even a roof of my own, I could not live in that marriage."

"If she sets up a situation where you can't walk away just give polite agreeable responses. 'Well, it's a good thing my little Suzy became a brain surgeon, or you wouldn't have become a brain surgeon.' 'Well, Aunt Mouthie, Suzy is quite a leader. Will you excuse me please?' Walk away and smile like the cat that just ate the canary. Not catty, just cool. 'My little Suzy got first place in the beauty contest, you came in second.' 'Aunt Mouthie, no one can compete with Suzy's beauty and brains. She is lovely. Excuse me, I'll be back in a bit.' Smile, walk away and don't be back. Be classy, be cautious, be secure Take care and keep your chin up."

"Start documenting everything now! Save copies of his e-mails or copies of the web sites that he frequents. Document how he treats your children. You can't be too detailed. It may be a pain to do but you will be glad you did. Do you work? If you leave do you have a way to support your kids on your own? I think a broken home is much better than exposing your kids to an out-of-control freak. One tip which I wish I had known when I separated from my ex-N is make him think it is all his idea. As far as the kids, you don't want him to use them as a weapon against you. Make visitations sound as though they help you out tremendously. That way he won't want contact with them. I feel for you. I've been split from my ex-N for two years and still have to deal with his control issues because of our child. I wish I didn't have to deal with him at all."

"Now this next is a rather difficult thing for some women to do, but IF you can ACT as though his exercising his visitation rights is YOUR TICKET TO FREEDOM, then this will be one of your most powerful weapons. When he shows up to pick up your daughter, be all dolled up, hair all pretty, FULL MAKEUP, 'going out' clothes and PERFUME. ACT as though you are ready to go out partying. Even check your watch if he tries to keep you even an extra second at the door. Now, if you REALLY go out (and why waste good perfume), that is all the better. This is a good time to practice being good to yourself by spending time with girlfriends, learning to line dance, taking a class, visiting a museum or art gallery, attending a movie, concert or play - or whatever. You want him to BELIEVE that his 'services' are much desired so that YOU can have SPECIAL TIME for yourself. UNPAID BABY SITTER."

"Instead of seeing yourself as one person, dealing with an unreasonable crazy person, imagine that all of us are standing right behind you, forming a group. Take strength from us, for as long as you need that, until you can fly with the eagles - on your own."

"If you want to end a relationship with a narcissist, the formula is very simple: The narcissist analyses (and internalizes) everything in terms of blame and guilt, superiority and inferiority, gain (victory) and loss (defeat) and the resulting matrix of narcissistic supply.

Shift the blame to yourself (I don't know what happened to me, I've changed, it's my fault, I'm to blame for this, you're constant, reliable and consistent…).

Tell him you feel guilty (excruciatingly so, in great and picturesque detail).

Tell him how superior he is and how inferior you feel.

Make this separation your loss and his absolute, unmitigated gain.

Convince him that he is likely to gain more supply from others (future women?) than he ever did or will from you.

BUT, make clear that your decision - though evidently 'erroneous' and 'pathological' - is FINAL, irrevocable and that all contact is to be severed henceforth.

And never leave ANYTHING in writing behind you."

"The best advice I've gotten here is to seem neutral as much as possible. Another tactic I've found successful is to capitalize on their laziness and irresponsibility (responsibility is too much work). My N missed a court hearing because he was simply too lazy to keep track of the date. Good documentation helps here, because they never keep track of dates, incidents, etc."

"What you can do is clearly document the things that you have done and said that you are concerned he will twist, so that you will be prepared with reasonable and truthful explanations for those things, if it ever comes to the point at which you need to defend your actions. If there is anything that you can document that will verifiably (on paper), demonstrate that the N has lied or has distorted the truth to fortify his position, find it and make sure that your attorney knows about it."

"Dealing with these people in a legal situation is very upsetting and frustrating. You have to assume that anything you say will be examined and re-examined to determine if there is any possible potential for it to be used against you. In my own situation I have shut down all avenues of communication with the N. The ONLY communication I will permit is through our attorneys. It is very frustrating to not be able to work things out and reason like normal people, but they just aren't normal. They make things up. They spew venom. They infect everyone within their sphere of influence. They truly believe that they are right and entitled to operate outside the law, and they will attempt to build a convincing case for this out of absolutely nothing. The sheer 'magic' of their ability to do this is mind-boggling in itself."

"There is only one way for you (and the rest of us) to go - and that is onwards, upwards and away."

"I know from past experience that there does come a day when you can look back and laugh at some of this stuff. So my wish is that everyone here has a moment like that today."

"The figures seem to indicate that a minimum of 1% (probably 3% and perhaps up to 5%) of the population above the age of 10 are narcissists. Now, factor in the parents, spouses, colleagues, friends, children, the children's families… This is the biggest under-diagnosed mental health pathology ever. Many researchers also believe that all Cluster B personality disorders (Histrionic, Antisocial, and Borderline) have an underlying foundation of pathological narcissism. This is getting close to 10% of the adult population. Staggering numbers."

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List - Part 1http://samvak.tripod.com/archive1.html

On the Funny Side of the Street…(Our Blunders, Bloopers, Typos, One-Liners and Jokes)

(cyber abbreviations: ROFL = rolling on the floor laughing, LOL = laughing out loud)

"For me, it finally became such a chore to always look my best, walk just right, talk just right… in short to be perfect. It just ain't happening. I'm sorry, but I'm not June Cleaver… I don't vacuum in a dress & heels!! LOL"

"One morning I asked if he'd like a cup of coffee to drink on the way to work. His response: 'I don't understand. Some days you prepare the coffee, and other days you ask if I want coffee. There is no consistency, I don't know what to expect.' Jeez Louise, it's coffee, not sex!!!"

"Anybody bringing a bullwhip? I'm going to need some self-punishment."

"By the way it won't take long before you reelize I don't spell check ot profread."

"…and I no longer korrect you! LOL"

"Gee, I'm glad you fessed up on the spell checking… I was starting to think you had been spending too much time at Walmart! LOL"

"…yue leve wallmrt aloan – itsa gud stor."

"I've got a bit of an embarrassing confession to make of my own. I can't remember whether it was you I asked to let me know what ROFL stood for? In the reply you/she included LOL. I've always been used to using LOL to mean 'lots of love', and realise I've put it in some really inappropriate places! e.g. "My heart goes out to you with this tragedy. LOL"

"N's are stuck on perfection. If your feet aren't perfect they are devalued. You may as well have the feet of an elephant. Ask him why you can smell his ass from across the room. That'll shut him up."

"Try installing a poor-man's security system. Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots – a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammunition. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like 'Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in ½ an hr. Don't disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed."

N said: "You can't have my mobile phone number because it's private, but I'll need yours so that I can check up where you are at any time."

N said: "Well, that's enough talk about me. What do you think about me?"

N said: "You'll never find anyone better than me."

N said (to the slow cars in front of him): "Can't they go any faster, don't they know who I AM!!!"

N said: "A lie is as good as the truth if you can get someone to believe it."

"My suggestion, tell him: 'You know, how they say that size doesn't matter? I am sorry to inform you that indeed, it does.'"

"He was the only man I ever knew that could strut while sitting down."

"Every man wants a woman he can look down on."

"There's nothing wrong with narcissists that reasoning with them won't aggravate."

"I'm sorry I didn't get to tell him to screw himself when I had him on the phone. Knowing him, he'd spend hours e-mailing himself trying to seduce himself into getting it done!!!"

"He lied like a dog. Oops, I take that back. That would be insulting to the dog."

"Honey, I just wanted to say you look wonderful while you scream at me that way."

"Does this mean you're about to rage? By the way, would you mind doing something useful while you rage, like getting me a beer and a sandwich?"

"Is this going to be on candid camera? You can't be serious? Where's the hidden camera?" (begin looking)

"I'm thankful for all these little conversations. Without them, I wouldn't know what humility really stands for."

"The new head of the complaint department is Ms. Helen Waite. If you have a complaint, go to Helen Waite."

"I'd love to stay and listen to you talk about yourself, but I gotta run."

"Before you begin, may I adjust your crown?"

"Is there a caboose to your train of thought?"

"They told me you weren't dumb enough to lie all the time. I stuck up for you and said you were."

"I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."

"I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me."

"You were sent here as a warning to others, weren't you?"

"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."

"100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?"

"A narcissist is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house."

"How does a narcissist sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other."

"How can you tell when a narcissist is lying?

His lips are moving."

"What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a narcissist?

An offer you can't understand."

"What is the difference between a catfish and a narcissist?

One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker, and the other's just a fish."

"What do you call an honest narcissist?

An impossibility."

"Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of narcissists?

He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met."

"What do a narcissist and a sperm have in common?

Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being."

Links and Resources

Mental Health Today Narcissistic PD Chat Transcript
Narcissistic personality disorder chat transcript - abusive relationships, divorce, idealization and devaluation, strategies or coping.
Narcissism Radio Show
Hour long radio show about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, abuse in relationships with narcissists, and listeners call-ins.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Audio Interview
Audio interview with Sam Vaknin regarding the Narcissistic Personality Disorder - clinical and cultural aspects.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Chat
Chat regarding the Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Pathological Narcissism.
The Ambassador of Narcissism
An interview in Natterbox with Sam Vaknin, author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited".
WebMD Chat - Narcissistic Personality Disorder
A WebMD chat with Sam Vaknin, author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited".
Narcissists, Group Behavior, and Terrorism
Pathological narcissism and its incidence in various ethnic, religious, or professional groups as well as its connection to terrorism and violent crime.
Relationships with Abusive Narcissists Chat Transcript
Transcript of chat regarding abusive narcissists and their victims.
New Narc City
Narcissism as manifested in various social institutions - from Wall Street to the Catholic Church.

American Psychological Association Psychological Testing
The authoritative guide to psychological testing, including online psychological testing. Subscription only online psychological diagnosis and testing.
Online Psychological Tests
Online personality tests - a directory of links from Yahoo!
Online Psychological Tests Guide
The American Psychological Association's online psychological testing web guide.
Psychological Testing
Psychological online and offline test and a guide to psychological testing. Includes a therapist directory.
Psychological Tests tional intelligence, and relationship tests).
PsychTests
Free online psychological evaluation and assessment tests.
4degreez Personality Disorder Test
An online personality disorder test from 4degreez.
Personality Disorders Tests
Tests to diagnose personality disorders.
Narcissistic Personality Inventory
A test is made up of 223 items (pairs of statements)that sample the domain of the narcissistic personality.
Pearson Assessments
Dozens of commercially available mental health diagnostic tests, including the MMPI-II and the Millon Clinical Inventories.
Psychotherapeutic Assessment of NPD
Psychotherapeutic Assessment and Treatment of Narcissistic Personality Disorder from the American Psychiatric Association.
Structured Clinical Interview (SCID)
Diagnostic interview designed to assist clinicians, researchers, and trainees in making reliable DSM-IV psychiatric diagnoses.